The Myth of Equality in Swinging and Polyamorous Relationships #coop500
Or at the very least an unrealistic expectation, or goal, or whatever. Don't strive for it cuz you ain't gonna get it. And the quest will simply get you. You know, like the fountain of youth. And maybe equality was within you, and the real quest was for yourself. And in the end–
“Cooper, let it go,” Sean Connery says.
And it was a good thing too, I was losing track of my metaphor. But I stand by my first statement, that equality in swinging and polyamory, really any form of non-monogamy, is an almost unreachable goal. The most obvious reason it's so difficult to obtain true equality (ie I get this so she gets this) is the inability to really define or quantify what we're all getting out of this whole non-mono racket.
So many swingers have this if/then logic in them at the beginning. From the first soft swap experience, in fact. “Oh, my partner got her pussy eaten so I should be able to get my cock sucked. They're all kissing over there and I'm just sitting over here with a hard on looking grumpy.” That trail often degenerates to a run of:
“Nothing. I'm fine.”
“You don't sound fine.”
in the car on the way home. Passive aggressiveness, resentment, sometimes divorce follows. But perhaps I'm exaggerating.
As someone who has felt this in the past, though, my partner got to do something awesome, I wish I got to do something awesome, so clearly it's my partner's fault for not making sure I also got to do something awesome, I get it.
I don't LIKE that I get it, but I do. And it wasn't just a “once upon a time” thing. I've gotten those feelings as recently as Swingset Takes Desire 2013. And while I'd love to report I did the growsed up swinger thing and recognized them, processed them, then acted with compersion, I didn't. I had a freak out. And a snit. And other things that make me sound like a child.
It's all just us feeling left out.
This is why we feel the need for equality. Or strive for it. Or pretend it's actually something achievable. This myth that somehow things will be equal across the board and no one will ever feel left out.
So I suppose that's the thing. The wakeup to reality moment. The fact that at some point, one of us will feel left out, and at another point the other will feel left out. (And since this is non-mono, and so on and so on and so on.) Because nothing will truly be equal. From that first moment of touching other people's naughty bits, all the way through the number of other people you fuck, to the number of dates you went on last month vs the number I went on.
Sometimes the numbers will be in my favor, sometimes in my partner's. What we have to strive to remember is to be happy when our partner is cleaning up and doing great, because we want our partner to be happy when the same thing is happening for us. If we can't do that, it all just descends quickly into chaos.
Compersion is the key. Learning to be happy that your partner is experiencing pleasure of any kind. And trusting that at some point you will too.
(As long as you go after it, that is. It's not your partner's fucking responsibility to bring you a sexy playmate and put them in your lap and reach down and insert bits into bits. You need to be the master of your own fate on that front, kiddo.)
But it'll never be equal.